22.

As I sit here reflecting on the last year of my life, I cannot help but to sigh. It’s a sigh of relief; it’s a sigh of accomplishment. God has grown me, stretched me, and taught me so much over the last twelve months. It’s almost like I have completed the first lap in a very long race, and now I am having an opportunity to take a break…even if it is only for a brief moment.

It would be an understatement if I referred to the last year as a struggle. For the first time in my entire life I have felt true internal struggle. I have had such a difficult time pealing back the layers of my own skin to try to discover what lies beneath. I have spent the latter part of the year trying to create some persona for myself, some identifiable “thing”  that would somehow make me more. Although, I am not quite sure what I was trying to be more of. Maybe I was trying to compete with all of the friends that I grew up with who were graduating college, or maybe I was comparing my life to the lives of the married couples I am friends with, or maybe I was just trying to like myself more. Whatever it was, I was searching in the wrong places.

When I was younger, life was a lot simpler. I didn’t have to worry about many things and life was a lot more care-free. Actually, life was mostly like that until one exact moment this past April. I remember the moment so vividly, it was almost as if time stood still and I felt a sudden jolt of panic press through my entire being.  All of the sudden the things that once made sense, no longer did.  The pain that was taking over me was so difficult because I could not find any tangible thing that had provoked me to feel this way. So, I began to search for something to take the responsibility and became consumed with the fear that I was always going to feel the way that I was. I became embarrassed of myself and refused to let anyone know that this is what I was experiencing because I didn’t want anyone to look at me different.

The only thing that made sense to me, was Jesus Christ. So, I held on and I held on as tightly as I could. I ran towards him and threw myself into his arms and became completely consumed. I began to realize that through everything, God is teaching me something. I have always heard it and even said it, but I don’t think that I have ever really believed it until now. The past year has really brought me to a good place in my Christian faith; I have learned that life is a constant growth, I have learned the importance of constant prayer, I have really embraced the beauty of community, and most importantly, I have learned to trust in my Savior, Jesus Christ, with my whole being.

Now, on with the race….

Advertisement